In general, Christmas is considered a time of joy, excitement, family gatherings, or at least, a few days to take a break at the end of the year. However, there are also those who are not as thrilled about December, because as these dates approach, the pain of grief or the loss of loved ones is sometimes reopened.
When absences take over the mood, in specific moments like Christmas, painful emotions resurface as intensely as they did on the first day. Bel茅n Jim茅nez Alonso, researcher and professor at the Psychology and Education Sciences Studies of the UOC, states that some people feel as if 鈥渁 new wound opens up when they see the empty chair of a loved one who is no longer there.鈥�
Why do Christmas holidays trigger the pain of loss?
鈥淭hese dates are filled with emotional significance. Additionally, holidays alter our daily rhythm, our demands, and our responsibilities,鈥� claims Mireia Cabero, a psychologist specialized in Public Emotional Culture, also a professor at UOC, who adds that 鈥渨e have more time to feel, to be, and to exist, which makes us more connected to our pains and unresolved issues.鈥�
On the other hand, psychologist Jos茅 Gonz谩lez, a specialist in grief and loss processes and trainer for professionals in mediation centers and family intervention, argues that this emotional state is common among seniors because, during the holidays, adults tend to reconnect with their childhood. 鈥淲hen older siblings come together, for example, they often behave as they did when they were 12 years old, with the jokes and arguments of the past. When those loved ones are no longer there, the loss is even more noticeable during these celebrations, and it becomes more striking,鈥� he says. As we get older, we start losing more family members and friends, so death seems closer to us. 鈥淚n fact, when someone loses their mother and father, many mourners express feeling as if they have aged suddenly, as if gray hairs were sprouting in their souls, and the thought that they will be next sets in,鈥� he adds.
A new wound opens when looking at the empty chair of the loved one who is no longer here鈥�
All of this takes on great intensity during these days. Psychologists point out that it will depend on certain factors, such as the circumstances of death: for example, thinking that the death could have been avoided, not being able to be with the loved one during their hospital stay, the uncertainty of not knowing what happened, not knowing if that person suffered or not, and whether they were alone or accompanied.
Also the loss of the relationship, because the deceased loved one will no longer be able to enjoy family events and there is regret for the thanks that were not given in life... Finally, not being able to talk to anyone about the loss or thinking that other loved ones are also going through mourning can exacerbate the pain.
When absences take over the mood, in specific moments like Christmas, painful emotions reappear as if it were the first day
Decalogue for managing absences
Those experiencing their first Christmas without a loved one may or may not have anticipated the change. But it's not always the case. That's why, with the help of experts, we have gathered some guidelines that may be useful to cope with the emotions that often arise when a loved one is lost and resurface during the Christmas season.
1. Validate the pain
It is important to learn how to manage that pain because behind many cases of depression, anxiety, or other mental health conditions, there are unresolved griefs. Jos茅 Gonz谩lez summarizes it with the phrase 鈥渉olding the pain to avoid suffering鈥� and ensures that if the grieving processes are reactivated during Christmas, 鈥渋t is necessary to allow ourselves the pain, to have a connection with sadness, anger, guilt, or rage in order to later establish what we call vital connection.鈥�
The expert explains that in every grieving process there is a dual mechanism, like a pendulum of a wall clock: 鈥淥n one end we have coping with its dark moments and unpleasant emotions (sadness, anger, guilt...) and on the other end, which we will reach, the sweet or white moments.鈥� That's why the specialist concludes that 鈥渋t is appropriate to be sad during these dates for a moment, in order to later be able to enjoy.鈥�
It is necessary to allow ourselves to feel pain, to have a connection with sadness, anger, guilt or frustration鈥�
2. Choose what makes us feel good (or less bad)
We need to give ourselves permission and validate these unpleasant emotions, that's why the psychologist suggests surveying our own needs. 鈥淚t's about looking for options that make us feel less bad. The person may want to celebrate it where they normally do, but if there are moments when they feel especially sad, the recommendation is not to force it, not to exaggerate a joy that is not felt. Perhaps they can stay for the dinner, but not for the after-dinner, or just for the appetizers, or only arrive for coffee. Or attend the Christmas lunch, but not the Christmas Eve dinner, or vice versa... This way, the emotion will emerge naturally.鈥�
3. Create new ways of experiencing celebrations
Bel茅n Jim茅nez points out that it is possible to even prepare a family meeting before the designated dates so that everyone, including children, can 鈥渙penly share concerns and needs.鈥� It is a way to celebrate in a more relaxed and natural manner. Additionally, these days can be used, when family members are on vacation, to dedicate time to tasks that comfort us, such as painting, writing, cooking, or exercising.
4. Look for a symbolic way to remember
Some people leave the chair where their loved one used to sit empty, or place something in their memory, or prepare their favorite dish as a tribute. Other families make a toast and bring them into the conversation, as a way to give presence to their absence.
Jim茅nez suggests creating a specific time or space to remember them, before eating or opening gifts, while Jos茅 Gonz谩lez believes that being able to name them is very helpful. 鈥淭here is a very clear point in the grieving process where one can mention the absent ones without the pain being overwhelming. It can be through anecdotes, which often evoke a very similar emotion to tenderness: the grandfather who was funny, how loudly he snored, or how grumpy he was.鈥�
5. Talk about grief to face it
In line with the previous point, psychologists also recommend talking about it, and they agree that acting as if nothing is happening does not help. Although it may be uncomfortable to bring up this topic in conversation, it is very healthy to do so. Accepting and legitimizing grief, not turning your back on it or ignoring it.
At Christmas, feelings of sadness over grief can arise
6. Surround ourselves with a close circle
Accompanying ourselves with people who love us and whom we love is recommended by Mireia Cabero. In days of mourning and the reactivation of that pain, of loss, such as holidays often are, feeling the closeness of other loved ones is important.
7. Do not isolate
It is essential to share the pain with the environment that may even be feeling the same discomfort, nostalgia, or sadness of that empty chair. Jos茅 Gonz谩lez remembers the popular saying that shared sorrow is divided and joy is multiplied. He observes this in the therapy and grieving groups he coordinates. 鈥淚t is very true that sharing situations of sadness or going through a loss, being able to verbalize the necessary unpleasant emotions, works.鈥�
8. Let us take care of and pamper ourselves
Taking care of someone: feeling like we are contributing to someone else's well-being will make us feel better.
9. Being aware that each grief is unique
Something very important is to assume that each person constructs their own memory of their grief or loss, and they will carry and express it in very different ways.
10. Seek professional help, if necessary
Feeling sad is normal, remembering with nostalgia a loved one who will no longer celebrate Christmas with us is also part of the grieving process. But if the sadness repeats every year with the same intensity, it might be helpful to seek psychological help. They can provide tools to make the holidays more bearable, allowing us to live with the absence of our loved one while still honoring their memory.